Posts Tagged ‘Satire’


Recently a movie was released with the name of “Pyaar ka Panchnama”. There is a dialouge in the movie which aptly describes the condition of boys who are in a relationship with girls and how girls manipulate them.

On similar lines, I found a very interesting dialouge somewhere on the net which aptly describes the plight of a Software Engineer, who is used, manipulated, harassed by the manager. It is termed as “Manager ka Panchnama”

The following is a monologue of a frustrated Software Engineer:

Problem,problem ye hai ki wo manager hai aur ,mein resource,
Problem ye hai ki mein chahta tu ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho,
Lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho to ye uski life sabse badi problem hai.

Bull shit he is worried yaar, use to celebrate karna chahiye, because it happens exactly what he wants,
Kasam se yaar is 6 mahine mein I had it all sab dekh liya maine,
Abe kaun sa job, kaisa project, kahe ka increament,
Job ka matlab hi hota hai end of ur own happiness,
Iske baad all u worried about is deployment, late night work,increament,client calls.
Shaam ka dalta suraj jo phale hum bhi kabhi dekhte the,
In managers ko na koi khush nahi rakh sakta , a happy manager is a myth.
Sab saala na bahar lage bade bade hoardings ka dosh hai,
4 years engg. badi si degree and then job kahani khatam,
Uske baad ki kahani koi nahi batata, Iske baad ki kahani mein batata hu,
Iske baad banda do ghante late aaya to problem,
Late night na ruka to problem.
Saala demands nd expectation kahatam nahi hoti inki,
ek to jo high priorty task hota hai na wo nahi batayenge,
2 week dimaag chatenge document banao document banao,
aur fir jab document bana ke do to 2 sadi si line ka mail lekhenge ,
we’ll discuss in call,
aur fir agle do hafte dimaag khayenge Document doucment.
Saala kaam kar raha hu beech mein mail aa jata hai "Look into this also",
Mail ka reply deta hu sir abhi busy hu baad mein dekh lunga,
then again mail do the same first, ek baar isko dekh lo,
1 baar dekh bhi lunga to tujhe kya mil jayega mere baap, theek se to kar paunga nahi.
Sabse jyada dimaag ki dahi to in bina resource wale project ne ki hai,gale ka patta hai saala,
Naye, purane, Band hone wale saare projects, resource wo hi 2,
are kaam jayada aa jane se ghante thodi na bad jate hai 1 din mein,
Fir iska jawab in managers ko bhi do, i think u r not intrested in project,
Why I choose u in this project, are mujhe kya pata ki why u choose me?,
abe jab samajh mein aa hi raha to phir release kyun nahi kar dete.
Saala pata nahi kaam kya karte hai ye manager Do mail reply mat kar,
urgent extn par call aayega,
Ab pata chala ye software engineer ki aise halat kyun hoti hai,
Aur ye adminstrative job wale bande itne happy kyun hote hai ,
because they don’t have a manager to screw that happiness.
Saala kaam kar raha hu koi Pool to khel nahi raha phir bhi seat par aa aakar,
poochenge What r u doing..?,
Iske baad jaane se pahle inhe apna DSR (Daily Status Report) bhejo tab ghar jao,
Kuch achcha implement karne se phale 50 baar inse poocho,approvation lo,
Aur agar kabhi thoda rest mil bhi jaye to again same question what r u doing…?,
Are kuch nahi kar raha mere baap ye soch raha hu tujhe yahan se kaise bhagau.
Mein tujhe bata raha hu u never discuss anything with ur manager,
Because every discussion with a manager is an argument,
Aur bhai argument mein inse koi nahi jeet sakta,
because we are busy unke pass to koi kaam hai nahi aur senior persons hai,
to argument mein wo kaise haar man le.
Wo saala pure database delete mar de to koi dikaat nahi,
Lekin tum galti se 1 table delete kar do to aasman toot jayega…!!!

@@@@@@@Kuch nahi ho sakta in Sofware engineers ka bhai@@@@@@@

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As an Indian or African, you don’t need to be introduced to this name. Gandhi is not a mere name, he is a legend. He was more than a freedom fighter, he was an inspiration. Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi was a man of great stature.

But I’m not talking about the same Gandhi here. Undoubtly he was powerful by his own means and principles but there is yet another Gandhi who is more powerful than ever. Powerful than the previous one. More influencial than him. People love the new Gandhi more than they love him. He is what people want today. He is the Gandhi on Indian Currency.

The Indians have turned greedy beyond redemption. Once there was a Midas touch – a touch which turned anything and everything to gold. Now we have Greed touch – a touch which rot anything and everything we touch. We’re once in the line of budding superpowers, and we still are in the line only. 63 years have been passed since independence and we are still nascent. The only thing that grew is greed and population and corruption and chaos all around. M.K. Gandhi stirred the whole country for a purpose that is long lost and forgotten. Even at that time a lot fought for him because he inspired them towards a common goal. Today’s Gandhi attracts everybody but inspire none. We all can fought for the Gandhi even today but our motive is different today. We’ll fight for him to own him. We have an egocentric goal now.

I hear every now and then that “Gandhiji mein bahut taquat hai” meaning Gandhiji has a lot of power. But in reality this is the power of Greed and not Gandhi. All we are taught is world is moving fast and if you don’t keep abreast you’ll be left behind but nobody taught to carry the values along while travelling. The result is rotten core and glittering appearance.

8-10 years back talks were doing the round that Indians have the largest repository of young people. India was looked upon by many as an emerging leader but alas we sank our ship on our own. That young generation is aging and soon we’ll be the largest repository of old people then we’ll have nothing. We are feeding on our own people. We are acting like beasts. Our single aim is to prove the Darwins thoery of “Survival of the Fittest” which I suppose was raw and very basic instinct. But homo sapiens grew above that raw instinct and formed society and now that instinct is growing back again. Soon there will be no India left to be proud of. All there will be barren land, full of blood and gore and none of the two Gandhi will be able to help us then.


Just got a mail from my friend on how the dating will be in 2050. It’s too good. Thought it is worth sharing.

After all, there’s nothing as a healthy laugh at the end of the day. So enjoy….

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One of my friend, who is an assistant director in Sony Entertainment Television send me an article written by him which touched my soul for two reasons. First it is a lesson about communal harmony where the act displays the love and respect for each other irrespective of religion and second the place mentioned is  near my hometown.

The sole purpose of my posting this article here is to show the world and also some selected anti-social goons that whatever they are promoting is not the real story. This is what binds India and Indians to its root. I want this article to serve as an awareness  to those who are misguided and misleaded.

Although the article is about the industry but I focused on the lesson that it teaches subtly.

Jai Hind.

शेराज अहमद, अनारू, जुबैर, इसरार अहमद और ऐसे ही करीब 100 से भी ज्यादा लोग हर सुबह हिंदू धर्म के सबसे पवित्र धागे को अपनी मेहनत से तैयार करते हैं। यह दिलचस्प है कि जो धागा हिंदू धर्म में सबसे पवित्र व अहम माना जाता है उसे मुस्लिम धर्म के 22 घरों के करीब सौ से भी ज्यादा लोग तैयार करते हैं। जी हां हिंदू धर्म में सबसे पवित्र माने जाने वाले कलावा, कलाई नारा या रक्षा सूत्र को पूरे विश्व में एक ही जगह बनाया जाता है। संगम की पावन धरती प्रयाग (इलाहाबाद) से करीब 40 किलोमीटर की दूरी पर लालगोपाल गंज कस्बा पड़ता है और यही पर स्थित दो गांव अल्हादगंज व खंजानपुर में दिन रात कलावे (रक्षा सूत्र) बनाने का काम किया जाता है। नवरात्रि के समय कलावे की मांग बढ़ जाने पर यहां पर दिन रात कलावे व माता की चुनरी बनाने का काम तेजी से होते देखा जा सकता है। अल्हादपुर गांव के नफीस अहमद बताते हैं कि उनके दादा-परदादा इस काम को करते आ रहे हैं। यह काम पुश्तैनी हो चुका है नफीस अपने बच्चों को भी इस काम में लगा चुके हैं। नफीस ने बताया कि करीब 100 साल से यह काम पूरी दुनिया में सिर्फ इन्हीं दो गावों में किया जाता है। मुस्लिमों में रंगरेज बिरदारी ही इस काम को अंजाम दिया करती है। नफीस के यहां कलावे बनाने का काम प्रत्येक सुबह तीन बजे से शुरू हो जाता है। कच्चा माल भिवंडी से आता है जिसे लाछा या नारा कहा जाता है। यह 40 से 45 रुपए प्रति किलो के हिसाब से मिलता है। इसको घर की महिलाएं धागे के रूप में कई लच्छों में बांटतीं हैं। इसके बाद काम होता है रंगाई का। लाल व पीले रंगों को क्रमश: कांगो लाल व खपाची पीला कहा जाता है जिसे कानपुर से मंगाया जाता है। लच्छों को गर्म रंगीन पानी में डालकर सुखाने के लिए रखा जाता है। और फिर तैयार होता है रक्षासूत्र। रोजा रह रहे अफरोज रंगरेज ने बताया कि हर दिन उसे 40 से 60 किलो लच्छे को रंगना होता है। बीस किलो को एक नग या ताव कहा जाता है। एक ताव को तैयार करने के लिए यहां के लोगों को सत्तर रुपए मिलते हैं। प्रतिदिन 100 से ज्यादा लोग रंगाई के इस काम को करते हैं और तैयार करते हैं 20 से 30 कुंतल कलावा। मार्केट में कलावे की सप्लाई 55 से 60 रुपए प्रति किलो के रेट पर की जाती है। 15 रुपए के इस मुनाफे में 22 घर व सैकड़ों लोग अपनी जीविका चलाते हैं। 19 साल के रहमान कहते हैं कि जिसने जितना काम किया होता है उसे उसकी मजदूरी का पैसा तुरंत मिल जाता है। इसी गांव में आदिल सलाम उर्फ दलाल चुनरी बनाने का काम करते हैं। चुनरी के लिए कच्चा माल अहमदाबाद से लाया जाता है जिसमें नमकी कलर का प्रयोग कर विभिन्न डिजाइन देने के बाद चुनरी तैयार की जाती है। छोटी और बड़ी साइज की चुनरी तैयार करने के बाद इनमें इंटरलाकिंग का काम गांव की महिलाएं घरों में करतीं हैं। 100 चुनरी की इंटरलाकिंग 20 से 25 रुपए के रेट पर की जाती है। रेहाना खातून 70 साल की हैं और सुबह घर के काम काज से खाली होकर दिन भर इसी काम में मशगूल हो जातीं हैं। रेहाना ने बताया कि नवरात्रि और मेले में चुनरी की मांग तेज हो जाती है। रेहाना के शौहर का इंतकाल 20 साल पहले हो गया था और तब से वह अपनी दो बेटियों और तीन बेटों की पढ़ाई का खर्चा इसी से निकाल रही हैं। इस धंधे में मंदी का कोई असर पड़ने के बारे में आदिल उर्फ दलाल ने बताया कि पूरी दुनिया में वास्तविक कलावा लालगोपालगंज में ही बनाया जाता है और इसी कारण भारत ही नहीं बल्कि मलेशिया, नेपाल, ब्रिटेन, अमेरिका, लंदन पाकिस्तान जसे देशों में भी इसकी सप्लाई की जाती है। भारत के सभी प्रसिद्ध मंदिरों में कई महीनों पहले से ही आर्डर देकर थोक के भाव कलावे व चुनरी बनवाई जातीं हैं। मैहर, मुंबा देवी, विंध्याचल, वैष्णो देवी, कालका जी, ज्वाला देवी, बालाजी मंदिर, सिद्धीविनायक जसे तमाम बड़े धार्मिक स्थलों के आर्डर महीनों पहले यहां पर आ चुके हैं। आदिल बताते हैं कि वर्तमान में आदमी कम पड़ जाते हैं लेकिन सप्लाई पूरी नहीं हो पाती है। आज के दिन में अल्हादपुर व खंजान पुर के लोगों के पास इतना काम है कि वह 24 घंटे भी काम करें तो भी डिमांड पूरी नहीं की जा सकती है। प्राइवेट कंपनियों के कलाई नारा बनाने के काम में कूदने पर यहां का रंगरेज समुदाय खासा नाखुश है इनका मानना है कि सरकार को इस काम को बढ़ावा देना चाहिए। सरकार की ओर से एक रुपए की भी मदद न मिलने से गांव वाले खासे नाराज हैं। लेकिन काम इतना ज्यादा है कि किसी को गिला तक करने की फुर्सत नहीं हैं। बिजली समय पर आ जाती है तो चुनरी में डिजाइन व प्रेसिंग का काम समय पर हो जाता है वरना रंगाई व धुलाई के लिए कुएं व हैंडपंप के पानी पर ही आश्रित रहना पड़ता है। गांव की दो मस्जिदों के इर्द-गिर्द रहने वाले इन लोगों की दिनचर्या पांचो वक्त नमाज अदा कर इस धागे में रंग घोलने तक सीमित है। इनके बच्चे इन धागों व चुनरियों को सुखाने के लिए खेतों में ले जाया करते हैं। खेतों में फैले रंगीन धागे व चुनरयिां सुबह के वक्त किसी मनोरम दृश्य से कम नहीं होते हैं। 12 साल के सादिक उर्फ सोनू को इन लाल रंग के धागों से खेलना अच्छा लगता है, उसे नहीं पता कि इन धागों की अहमियत क्या है, वह तो बस इतना जानता है कि उसके अब्बू व भाईजान सुबह तीन बजे से ही इन धागों व चुनरियों को रंगने में व्यस्त थे और अब उसकी जिम्मेदारी है कि जब ये सूख जाएं तो करीने से इनको घर ले जाकर अम्मी को देना है। गांव के ही एक मस्जिद के मौलवी अश्फाक अहमद ने नमाज अदा करने के बाद बातचीत में बताया कि यह एकता का जीता जागता प्रमाण ही है कि हिंदू धर्म के सबसे बुनियादी व अनिवार्य वस्तु से मुस्लिम समुदाय का एक हिस्सा अपनी रोजी रोटी चला रहा है। सरकार को इस छोटे लेकिन महत्वपूर्ण व्यवसाय को व्यवस्थित करने के लिए कुछ मदद करनी चाहिए।


Complaint to ASCI regarding an Advertisement

Ok that’s it. Now I can’t keep it in and hence I’m scribbling it down so as to vent out my anger. I don’t know why this particular advertisement gets on my nerve, each time I see it.

It is a commercial by J.K. Super Cement, wherein a lady in bikini suit is coming out of the sea and a background voice says – “Vishwaas hai, Isme kuch khass hai”. We believe, that there is something special in this. Now what the hell is there in that lady posing in a semi nude posture and that too for a cement company?

So where does it fit in?

The answer is, in our mind. Yes, this ad holds an impression in our heads. However vague it may be, but now we have this name J.K. Super Cement with us. I talked to a lot of my friends and they all equally agreed that they have seen the advertisement and couldn’t connect it with the product. Some felt offended over the demeaning portrayal of women in every commercial, whether or not required, some just casual to see another sexy lady ad and some didn’t mind about it. But the common thing among us was that we all knew the name J.K now and agreed that in a day or two, at a place or other, someone or other do discuss about the advertisement and the name J.K. super cement is on everybody’s lips.

So basically if you leave aside the content of the advertisement, the very purpose of the advertisement is well accomplished. It has successfully established the brand name.

Whatever the results are, I particularly didn’t like their promotion practice and I thought to complain about it. So I went to ASCI website – The Advertising Standard Council of India. But the procedure here was a bit hectic for a working person like me. For e.g. if I register a complaint against any advertisement online, I need to post them a hard copy too. But the biggest hurdle is a clause that says:

Please enclose clipping/clear copy of print advertisement/electronic media advertisement / any other promotion complained against.

Please send (by post) your complete complaint (signed by you preferably) with full particulars as above, enclosing any other papers in support of your complaint, with a copy of advertisement………..

While complaining against a printed advertisement, I can mange to send them a copy, but how the hell they expect me to send them the clipping of an advertisement being aired on TV. Do they need me to record it or download it from somewhere. I mean “Come On Dudes”, when I am complaining against an advertisement, you can always watch it on channels or can directly ask the company to give you a copy, so that you can decide for yourself. Asking the complainant to provide you a clipping is unjustifiable.

Anyway, the schematic process is given below in a flow chart.

* Please click on the image to enlarge

Advertising Standards Council of India is a self regulatory voluntary organization of the advertising industry.

For more information, you can always log onto: http://www.ascionline.org


Ok. So let’s start with a simple question.

What’s the National Language of India?

Hindi, an obvious answer will flash through your mind. Well, its not.

Surprised. I was too, when I learnt that Hindi doesn’t hold the status as national language of India. Then what is it?

The answer to your query lies in the article.

For the past 26 years, I have been under the impression that Hindi is the national language of India. I am not alone in this. I can safely conclude that more than half of India’s population is under the same impression. Oh, come on, India!

But now it surprises me to hear that India never had a national language. This explains why India attached importance to each of its constituent languages. Though India may boast of being home to many major languages of the world, this abode of languages, ironically, does not have a national language of its own. According to the Constitution of India, any language, accepted by a State of India as its official language will be given the status of national language. In India, no language is accepted or spoken by the States unanimously. Even Hindi, the language spoken by most people, is unable to attain the status of national language as it is does not fulfil the condition laid down by the Constitution of India. Though Hindi is spoken by a large number of people, only ten States of India have accepted it as their official language.

Article 343 of the Constitution declares Hindi as the official language of the Union of India. English remains the additional official language. It is the authoritative legislative and judicial language. In fact, one could say that English is the official language of India for all practical purposes. For many educated Indians, English is virtually their first language though a large number of Indians are multi-lingual.

Then what is the difference between national and official language? The national language defines the people of the nation, culture and history. The official language is used for official communication. While the national language can become the official language by default, an official language has to be approved by law in order to become the national language. All languages spoken in India, starting from the language spoken by the most people to that spoken by the least are our national languages. This is because all of them define the people of this nation, culture and their history, collectively. India has no legally-defined national language; it has only 18 official languages according to the Constitution. There is a special provision for the development of Hindi under Article 351, though.

According to article 351, “It shall be the duty of the Union to promote the spread of the Hindi language, to develop it so that it may serve as a medium of expression for all the elements of the composite culture of India and to secure its enrichment by assimilating without interfering with its genius, the forms, style and expressions used in Hindustani and in the other languages of India specified in the Eighth Schedule, and by drawing, wherever necessary or desirable, for its vocabulary, primarily on Sanskrit and secondarily on other languages”.

The Constitution of India came into existence on January 26, 1950. It said that Hindi and English would be the “official languages” of the Central government of India till 1965 (for a period of 15 years); subsequently, Hindi was expected to become the sole “national and official language” of India. This applied to Central as well as State governments. Hindi and English became the “official languages” in every department controlled by the Central government. This explains why Hindi is prominent in the Indian Railways, the nationalised banks, etc, which come under the purview of the Central government.

As January 26, 1965 neared, some in the non-Hindi belt, particularly the Tamils, started voicing their apprehensions openly. The idea of making Hindi the sole national language was blasphemous to the students as it involved the simultaneous and complete withdrawal of English, even as a medium for competitive examinations for jobs and education! This meant that the northern region would bag government jobs and dominate the field of education, given the proficiency in Hindi of the people of the region. Since government jobs were the most sought after in the pre-1991 era, the measure was seen as an indirect attempt to deny jobs to the English-educated South Indians. The non-Hindi-speaking people from South India feared that they would be discriminated against in government employment and in other possible ways. Between 1948 and 1961, on an average, every year, close to 24% of Central government officials had been selected from the State of Madras (the present-day Tamil Nadu). Uttar Pradesh came second best, accounting for about 16%.

The 1940s, 1950s and the first half of the 1960s witnessed many anti-Hindi pro-tests in the form of public meetings, marches, hunger strikes and demonstrations before schools and Central government offices; black flag demonstrations greeted Central government ministers. Most of these were organized either by the DK or the DMK and the general public supported them fully. There were hundreds of such protests from Tamil Nadu and thousands were jailed. Several hundreds were injured when police used lathi-charge to disperse the peaceful protesters. Lal Bahadur Shastri, the then PM, even though supportive of the pro-Hindi group, came up with a set of compromises that denied Hindi the “sole national language” status, realising the seriousness of the issue.


After a long season of waiting, betrayal, fighting I finally set my foot last weekend on the pathway to have my dinner at BADE MIA for the first time.

For those poor souls that are ignorant about this heaven-abode, let me mention that it is a very famous spot for Non-Vegetarian foodies at Colaba, Mumbai. It is spread over the whole back alley behind the TAJ. No, its not a restaurant. It’s not a hotel. It is just a 3×1 feet stall on the pathway, with seats laid-out on the footpath covering the half of street-side in length. But  when you’ll look at the crowd swarming there for delicious mouth watering kababs and bhuna gosht and other such delicacies of the likes, it will amaze you. At least this is what I’d heard about it and that’s why I was anxious to visit there once and quench my appetite. I may sound gallous but it’s me and I love my status as being a gourmet.

So I reached there with my friends by six in the evening and found that the shop hasn’t opened yet. Preparations were going on. Tandoor was being set. Utensils were being washed up, which gave me an ugly thought of dogs licking the plates last night. I could actually picture them calling more of their breed using their hi-fi sonic sound. Why weren’t the plates washed earlier at the time of closing yesterday? I shared this yuck thought with my friends and they started beating me right there for my evil thoughts. (We skipped our meal in the noon so as to appreciate the dinner with vigor.) Certainly, none of us was in the mood of auditing their mess, so we left the place, only to come back later.

Around 8 o’ clock, we reached to the much awaited destination again. But to our awe, the place was already overcrowded. All the seats were full. I asked a waiter to reserve seat for 5 and he just went away, shrugging his shoulder. I could clearly read the implied meaning: “Jagah mile to baith jao verna khade raho”. (If you find an empty space, please sit or else just keep standing and keep looking.) How honest was the person. Waah waah…At a restaurant, you will certainly beat the hell out of the waiter if he even dare to meet your eyes. All because you are paying a nice amount to be treated as King. But on the roadside dhaba like Bade Mia, everybody is treated in the same manner i.e. without manner. 😀

After a long hour of waiting, finally one of my friend was able to dug his nails on a table to mark it as his property. As soon as he did so, he glanced at other 2 groups that were also vying for the same spot with a ferocious hawk eye look. Probably, it came out more as a reason of bowels churning up to a unbearable limit than to invite any reaction from them. We all sat there with our head held high (not because of the esteem of getting a seat but to get ourselves noticed by the ever busy waiters.) Finally a waiter had pity on us and came to our seat. We were discussing over the menu and finalizing the items to order when the waiter cocked on us to quickly give the order. We were awe-struck with such reaction. But the hunger in us was climbing to the apex, so we concentrated on the menu selection. Once the order was laid, a lot of commotion followed thereafter till we finished our dinner. Like the main course was served before the starters. And when we complained about it, the waiter just plainly said: “Arrey aa raha hai, Paneer tikka hi to hai naa starter mein aur kya hai” (Its coming. Only Paneer tikka is there in starters huh.)   Then the fight over roomali roti. The mocking quantity of hunger striken chicken slaughtered and served in a plate that was so small to let alone serve only a child. As we were about to finish our dinner, we heard the same waiter fighting with customers on an adjacent table. Their only fault: they asked him for water after paying bills. “Paani chahiye tha to pehle bolna tha. Ab mujhe waha tak jaana padega(pointing towards the counter), paani lana padega” (If you needed water, you should have asked me at the time of ordering, now I’ll have to go all the way back there to bring you guys, water). Waah… Uske bolvachan sunne ke baad ab kuch aur order karte nahi bana. Jitni izzat bachi thi usko samet ke hum logo ne waha se palayan karma uchit samjha. We paid the bill and left with whatever pride we have left for ourselves.

My first and hopefully final visit to Bade Mia was a big let down. I’ll never understand the psyche of those who swarm that concrete boulevard to have a tasteless feast served cold.