Posts Tagged ‘manager’


Recently a movie was released with the name of “Pyaar ka Panchnama”. There is a dialouge in the movie which aptly describes the condition of boys who are in a relationship with girls and how girls manipulate them.

On similar lines, I found a very interesting dialouge somewhere on the net which aptly describes the plight of a Software Engineer, who is used, manipulated, harassed by the manager. It is termed as “Manager ka Panchnama”

The following is a monologue of a frustrated Software Engineer:

Problem,problem ye hai ki wo manager hai aur ,mein resource,
Problem ye hai ki mein chahta tu ki meri life mein koi problem hi na ho,
Lekin agar meri life mein koi problem na ho to ye uski life sabse badi problem hai.

Bull shit he is worried yaar, use to celebrate karna chahiye, because it happens exactly what he wants,
Kasam se yaar is 6 mahine mein I had it all sab dekh liya maine,
Abe kaun sa job, kaisa project, kahe ka increament,
Job ka matlab hi hota hai end of ur own happiness,
Iske baad all u worried about is deployment, late night work,increament,client calls.
Shaam ka dalta suraj jo phale hum bhi kabhi dekhte the,
In managers ko na koi khush nahi rakh sakta , a happy manager is a myth.
Sab saala na bahar lage bade bade hoardings ka dosh hai,
4 years engg. badi si degree and then job kahani khatam,
Uske baad ki kahani koi nahi batata, Iske baad ki kahani mein batata hu,
Iske baad banda do ghante late aaya to problem,
Late night na ruka to problem.
Saala demands nd expectation kahatam nahi hoti inki,
ek to jo high priorty task hota hai na wo nahi batayenge,
2 week dimaag chatenge document banao document banao,
aur fir jab document bana ke do to 2 sadi si line ka mail lekhenge ,
we’ll discuss in call,
aur fir agle do hafte dimaag khayenge Document doucment.
Saala kaam kar raha hu beech mein mail aa jata hai "Look into this also",
Mail ka reply deta hu sir abhi busy hu baad mein dekh lunga,
then again mail do the same first, ek baar isko dekh lo,
1 baar dekh bhi lunga to tujhe kya mil jayega mere baap, theek se to kar paunga nahi.
Sabse jyada dimaag ki dahi to in bina resource wale project ne ki hai,gale ka patta hai saala,
Naye, purane, Band hone wale saare projects, resource wo hi 2,
are kaam jayada aa jane se ghante thodi na bad jate hai 1 din mein,
Fir iska jawab in managers ko bhi do, i think u r not intrested in project,
Why I choose u in this project, are mujhe kya pata ki why u choose me?,
abe jab samajh mein aa hi raha to phir release kyun nahi kar dete.
Saala pata nahi kaam kya karte hai ye manager Do mail reply mat kar,
urgent extn par call aayega,
Ab pata chala ye software engineer ki aise halat kyun hoti hai,
Aur ye adminstrative job wale bande itne happy kyun hote hai ,
because they don’t have a manager to screw that happiness.
Saala kaam kar raha hu koi Pool to khel nahi raha phir bhi seat par aa aakar,
poochenge What r u doing..?,
Iske baad jaane se pahle inhe apna DSR (Daily Status Report) bhejo tab ghar jao,
Kuch achcha implement karne se phale 50 baar inse poocho,approvation lo,
Aur agar kabhi thoda rest mil bhi jaye to again same question what r u doing…?,
Are kuch nahi kar raha mere baap ye soch raha hu tujhe yahan se kaise bhagau.
Mein tujhe bata raha hu u never discuss anything with ur manager,
Because every discussion with a manager is an argument,
Aur bhai argument mein inse koi nahi jeet sakta,
because we are busy unke pass to koi kaam hai nahi aur senior persons hai,
to argument mein wo kaise haar man le.
Wo saala pure database delete mar de to koi dikaat nahi,
Lekin tum galti se 1 table delete kar do to aasman toot jayega…!!!

@@@@@@@Kuch nahi ho sakta in Sofware engineers ka bhai@@@@@@@

Advertisements

The appraisal season is back. With the last year recession thing hitting the employees hard on their backbone, this year appraisal is the most coveted and most eagerly waited event.

With speculations doing the round, are also some funny mails which shows how the appraisal process is carried out across the industry. The plot is the appraisal meeting between an employee and his manager.  So just read it and enjoy. I am quite sure, all the working people will be able to relate the pity character to themselves.

The curtain opens…………….

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding.
So, your rating is “average”.


Kumar: What? How come ‘average’?


Big Boss: Because…err…uhh…you lack domain knowledge.


Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this
project as a domain consultant.


Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has
eroded this year.


Kumar: What???


Big Boss: Yes, I didn’t see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.


Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.


Big Boss: This is what I don’t like about you. You give excuse for
everything.


Kumar: Huh? *Confused*


Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.


Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on “Business
Communication”, you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?


Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr…well..I mean, you need to improve your Social
Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.


Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*


Big Boss: See! That’s why you need to learn about it.


Kumar: *head spinning*


Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys
you recruited left within 2 months.


Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and
review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them
even attempted suicide.


Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err…anyway, I tried to give you
a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only ‘average’.


Kumar: Last year that process gave me ‘excellent’. This year just
‘average’? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?


Big Boss: That’s a complicated process. You don’t want to hear.


Kumar: I’ll try to understand. Go ahead.


Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of
sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever
lands on the floor gets ‘average’, whichever lands on table gets ‘good’,
whichever we manage to catch gets ‘excellent’ and whichever gets stuck to
ceiling gets ‘outstanding’.


Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets ‘poor’ rating?


Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.


Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for
‘outstanding’?


Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old
organizational process!


Kumar: *faints*

The curtain closes…….


S.H.I.T.